I FOUND MY HAPPY 1: LETTER TO A GIRL STRUGGLING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

“You look beautiful,” Alodia says. 
I startle at the compliment. Then I smile. “I’m beautiful to the one person who matters.”
She nods. “Hector’s mouth is going to drop open when he sees you.”
“I hope so. But I meant me. I’m beautiful to me.” 
― Rae Carson, The Bitter Kingdom

 

 

I stood looking at the mirror once again

Maybe I looked thinner today

I had followed the three-day diet

I had adhered to the week-long juicing

Let’s see if this pair of jeans will go up to my waist

Just last year it fit me perfectly

Oh well,I think I will start gyming

That will work right?

 

I am seated at the table with family

I see it is rice that we are having for lunch

But the article said that carbs are the enemy

I feel guilty for eating

Ah forget it!

I will just go and puke it all out immediately

 

It’s been 2 months now

“After two months even people will notice,”

they said

The only thing I am noticing are stretch marks

 

Shopping for clothes is not a joy anymore

Picking from the large section is just as heavy as I am

It is a hall of shame

At the fitting room you cross your fingers that it fits

I cannot  imagine going for an even larger one

I squeeze into, holding my breath and even tucking my tummy,

It looks like I am about to explode

Mmmh…it is one of those days again

and now as always,

our shopping spree comes to an end,

next time I shall have become thinner and I will buy this dress

 

 I stand at the mirror again 

Tears flowing from eyes

When will I be happy with myself

I am tired

Going out has become an ordeal

What will I wear?

Oh and again the comments from people

I need to practice my fake smile,

which i will display whenever they comment on my size

not forgetting the fake giggle

You know what?

I won’t even go out today, I am not willing to pretend today

 

I see photos from the event

Wow, seems like it was fun

I wouldn’t have been comfortable anyway

and on the plus side,

I went to the gym, yay for me.

 

 

Back to the mirror again

Seems like it’s tired of me now

It has been keeping comments to itself,

but today my mirror speaks to me

 

” Listen here young girl, you are beautiful!In this rage of losing weight, you have lost yourself.Would you quit looking for happiness in other people. When will you stop seeking approval from others? Do you think they have the same view of life that you have? Will you now starve to death for their sake? Healthy over malnourished is the mantra baby girl. Why feel sorry for eating and that’s fuel to your body? We cannot all be the same sizes. Do they even know half of how precious your soul is? Why let them in, into your head, your heart and life and they are not there to stay? You can only find happiness from within yourself. Get out there. The world needs you. Your happy is you.”